This morning I went back to work! Not for the whole day, but still - a good part of it, for the first time since the beginning of October. I feel like a new girl again, but I'll soon be back in the swing.
I don't want to bore with details, but to cut a five-month long story short, I saw an Orthopaedic specialist on Monday, and he's going to operate to have a look inside my knee, and possibly drill and screw a bit of bone... I don't think he's sure until he looks, and still nobody can tell me what happened, how or why - perhaps I'll have a few answers soon.
Anyway - till then, I'm still on crutches (can't have Physio until after surgery) so my manager is easing me carefully back into the saddle... But it's good to be back, although I have to admit in lots of ways I didn't at all mind being at home; once the terrible pain lessened I did a lot of meditation and rested up, and people think I'm looking great!
So yet another new experience awaits me in this golden year! lol
:)
Wednesday, 24 February 2010
Thursday, 4 February 2010
Gulf Stream
Last night I watched 'Coast' - I usually forget, but this week's programme on Ireland had caught my attention and I was captivated by the landscape and history of the place.
At one point there was a diagram of the Gulf Stream, and a reminder of all the warmth and fertility it brings to Western Europe. As I thought about it, I was struck by how we each have the choice of what to make of our lives, and how we relate to other people.
My personal mission statement is: "I want to make the world a happier place." It covers just about everything - writing, chatting, listening, joking, baking, being there for people... Last night I went to sleep thinking that I'd like to be a human Gulf Stream - bringing warmth and comfort to people when I can, rather than making their lives cold and icy.
When you go through divorce, it doesn't matter where 'the fault' lies (I think it's incredibly rare for it all to be one side though) - you are faced with choices every day about whether to be as loving and gracious as possible, or whether to go for the jugular, demand what you can, get something for YOU out of it... etc. I know everyone's situation differs and I would never dream of judging somebody for how they handle their relationships, but I did try to be as amicable as possible - and I have to say, that has left me with very few regrets.
The Gulf Stream goes out of its way for us, really. It surreptitiously makes the most tremendous difference. It goes largely unnoticed and nobody thinks to thank it. And yet it serves its purpose in life. I have no idea whether a water current can feel fulfilled, but it ought to...
Not a bad model for life! :)
Tuesday, 26 January 2010
Just show up and watch what happens!
Hi,
well - not had a lot to say really, so haven't! But just so you know, I'm still feeling enthusiastic about my year, if rather surprised at how it's turned out so far!
I'm still waiting to see the specialist about my knee - there was a brief flurry the other week, when I thought I was going back to work, but the GP said I shouldn't really go back until I'd seen the specialist. As far as I know, that's going to be in about three weeks... I'm having another chat with the GP tomorrow - my main concern is that I haven't yet had physio, and the other knee was very sore for a while (until I switched how I used the crutches to support it for a while instead). I've fallen through every gap in the system but - I can't help feeling there is some purpose to it all somehow. Anyway I can't change anything by worrying, so there's no point is there?!
Meantime I've been doing lots of reading and meditating. I grow more and more fascinated by the thought that nothing is solid - I mean, obviously it is, but it isn't, not at the molecular level. Just as I have always been stunned by the fact that all the things I do online which look so real on screen are fuelled by a series of ones and zeros, so my 'real' life is basically a load of energy pulses at various frequencies. On a sub-atomic level we are in constant motion, as are tables, plants, mountains and planets. I find that mind-blowing.
As I've read about meditation, I've been interested to come across the concept of the sound of 'Aaah' as the Sound of God. When I was a little girl, I had a phobia about this very sound - and I could never quite put into words the feeling it evoked in me. If people were chatting and I could see one of them understanding a point and getting ready to say, "Ah! I see what you mean!" I would shiver in terror, but couldn never explain properly as I couldn't say the word. I came to know it as my 'Ah!' feeling but even saying that frightened me.
I wonder now. I wonder if that feeling (as though the whole world was in my chest, spinning around out of control and so big I would explode) isn't a little akin to the feeling people in the Bible had when they were struck dumb by the presence of angels. I wasn't in a place to give it a spiritual interpretation back then, but now I wonder...
For the first time, I am living in an empty nest - my daughters now both live abroad. I was fairly sure I'd be fine, but having never lived alone before (I don't count student digs, where there is always someone around!) I didn't quite know what to expect.
The first couple of days were a little strange, a definite feeling of bereavement and emptiness - but it happened to be when the snow was at its worst and I was pretty literally stuck in the house. As I'm still using crutches and feeling quite disabled in some ways, it was a very strange time, as though Someone was saying, "Your nest is empty, and you are going to have to sit in it all week and think about it!" Which was actually quite a good tactic for me - it's how I used to deal with all my old phobias; I've always faced fear by mentally picking it up by the scruff of the neck and facing it until it holds no more fear. (My theory is that there are two types of people - the ones who react to toothache by booking the earliest appointment possible, and the ones who put off the dentist as long as they can. I'm the first kind - I see procrastinating as prolonging the worry of the inevitable!)
So - I sat in my house (feeling quite trapped, I must admit) and Faced it Out.
And I feel fine. I'm enjoying having my own space. I can be quiet when I want (which is a lot) and I can read, and I can fill the fridge with things I love to eat but wouldn't necessarily impose on my daughters. (Although I have discovered I've developed an allergy to lychees, which is really annoying - since I started with hayfever I have become allergic to some fruits and nuts, fortunately not majorly, but enough to stop me enjoying them).
I went for a walk in the park a few days ago and was suddenly overwhelmed with memories of being there with my daughter, and the time I ran a race there and she popped out of the crowd to take a photo - and I did stop for a cry, but that's okay. I've worked for many years to get in touch with my feelings; I'm not going to stop them coming up or be afraid of them. Anyway some of those tears were for my knee I think! I can't quite imagine ever running again, although I think it's highly likely I shall.
I've always had moments where my heart has been gripped by a sudden nostalgia, when I walk past an Early Learning Centre, for example, or see someone with two little girls in a cafe... in French, 'nostalgie' is 'homesickness' - and I think that's a very good description of those feelings - homesickness for the past. I suspect a lot of the Empty Nest stuff people go through is about realising just how far away that past is, a country they can't ever visit again. We are all refugees, in a way.
And yet - what about the present? The future? I can't help feeling excited about what my life will be in 6 months, 6 years from now... After all, if it's all down to bundles of energy shifting around in some incomprehensibly intelligent fashion, then there is A Purpose to my life, and all I have to do is show up every day and watch what happens!
Friday, 8 January 2010
Global Warming...???
I just found yet another site linking to sceptics commenting on the climate debate. Very interesting; yet another case of, "You pays your money and you takes your choice".
Which caused me to smile to myself - for many years I have been convinced that Science is as much a matter of faith as Religion. It's all very well for someone to say, "The numbers PROVE theories about gravity/virus replication/etc." I have to have faith that the numbers prove it. I suppose the scientists' answer would be, "Ah - but theology can never be KNOWN - whereas if you were a good enough mathematician, you would understand the figures PROVE these things."
However - I'm not. The fact that the figures work if you are good enough at Maths is something I've always had to take on faith.
I suppose I was an iconoclast from an early age, what with a mother who steadfastly refused to believe in gravity. ("So why do things fall down when you drop them?" Mum: "Because they're heavy." "WHY are they heavy?" Mum: "Because they weigh a lot") It was perhaps this background that led me to be uneasy at school when, as in variably happened, the Science teachers would review our carefully-planned experiments and instruct us to put in the results we ought to have got. Nobody will ever convince me that this doesn't happen on a larger scale, especially when grants and funding are involved. You can call it a lack of trust in the scientific community, a lack of faith, if you like...
I am no longer a Christian. There came a point where my observations led me to believe that, like my schoolteachers, the results were being fixed. I still have a spirituality, though, and some of that has come from learning about science - the way we are all interconnected, the wonderful way we seem to bring about change by observing the world at sub-atomic levels, research into memory... all of which, of course, I have to take on faith.
Now - this might not have mattered very much, One woman's view of the world is perhaps not that significant. But the current crisis for Science surely has to be that the Global Warming issue is NOT about Progress versus Ignorance, it is about two sets of people with diametrically opposed views, ALL of whom can 'prove' they are right. Mathematically. Which to choose? How does the average person know which to believe?
The Global Warming bandwagon is a heavy and expensive one. It is now beyond thinking that it should be shown to be based on incorrect science. This, of course, doesn't mean that Global Warming is not happening, even though it seems more and more counter-intuitive.
I have to hold my hand up here as someone who never quite believed in the 'New Ice Age', which some of my readers may be too young to remember. Over thirty years ago, we were terrified on a regular basis by warnings of the New Ice Age. Funnily enough, I don't remember there ever being an announcement that this wasn't going to happen after all; I think the scientific community just cast the belief aside, and - like an embarrassed teenager being reminded they used to believe in Santa Claus - never really talked about it again.
Well - I have the luxury apparently not afforded to scientists of being able to say that I simply don't know what the truth is. It's a shame they have painted themselves into the corner of Infallibility - it would be so much easier all round if they were able to utter those humble words, "We don't know."
Faith and Science are not that far apart...
Which caused me to smile to myself - for many years I have been convinced that Science is as much a matter of faith as Religion. It's all very well for someone to say, "The numbers PROVE theories about gravity/virus replication/etc." I have to have faith that the numbers prove it. I suppose the scientists' answer would be, "Ah - but theology can never be KNOWN - whereas if you were a good enough mathematician, you would understand the figures PROVE these things."
However - I'm not. The fact that the figures work if you are good enough at Maths is something I've always had to take on faith.
I suppose I was an iconoclast from an early age, what with a mother who steadfastly refused to believe in gravity. ("So why do things fall down when you drop them?" Mum: "Because they're heavy." "WHY are they heavy?" Mum: "Because they weigh a lot") It was perhaps this background that led me to be uneasy at school when, as in variably happened, the Science teachers would review our carefully-planned experiments and instruct us to put in the results we ought to have got. Nobody will ever convince me that this doesn't happen on a larger scale, especially when grants and funding are involved. You can call it a lack of trust in the scientific community, a lack of faith, if you like...
I am no longer a Christian. There came a point where my observations led me to believe that, like my schoolteachers, the results were being fixed. I still have a spirituality, though, and some of that has come from learning about science - the way we are all interconnected, the wonderful way we seem to bring about change by observing the world at sub-atomic levels, research into memory... all of which, of course, I have to take on faith.
Now - this might not have mattered very much, One woman's view of the world is perhaps not that significant. But the current crisis for Science surely has to be that the Global Warming issue is NOT about Progress versus Ignorance, it is about two sets of people with diametrically opposed views, ALL of whom can 'prove' they are right. Mathematically. Which to choose? How does the average person know which to believe?
The Global Warming bandwagon is a heavy and expensive one. It is now beyond thinking that it should be shown to be based on incorrect science. This, of course, doesn't mean that Global Warming is not happening, even though it seems more and more counter-intuitive.
I have to hold my hand up here as someone who never quite believed in the 'New Ice Age', which some of my readers may be too young to remember. Over thirty years ago, we were terrified on a regular basis by warnings of the New Ice Age. Funnily enough, I don't remember there ever being an announcement that this wasn't going to happen after all; I think the scientific community just cast the belief aside, and - like an embarrassed teenager being reminded they used to believe in Santa Claus - never really talked about it again.
Well - I have the luxury apparently not afforded to scientists of being able to say that I simply don't know what the truth is. It's a shame they have painted themselves into the corner of Infallibility - it would be so much easier all round if they were able to utter those humble words, "We don't know."
Faith and Science are not that far apart...
Monday, 4 January 2010
Happy New Year!
Hi, sorry to be a little late with this, but it's All Go at my house. My younger daughter is getting ready to move abroad, a HUGE and exciting event for all of us (she was very ill for a long time and this wasn't even dreamable for years) and we threw her a surprise party - great fun when it happened but a bit of a logistical nightmare, which ended up in me (on crutches) going to a supermarket on the day to get everything that had been promised but not delivered by various people! So blogging wasn't the first thing on my mind!
Anyway - last night I had a random thought which felt blogworthy - so here it is.
I was talking to my daughters and said, "The Church should be thoroughly ashamed of itself for letting the Diet Industry steal the concept of Sin."
By which I mean this: Sin is about selfishness, hatred and destruction. It is NOT about one extra sandwich, or a Snickers bar, or wanting a hot chocolate. The greed which leads us to overeat is NOT a sin. It is a misreading of our needs, a means of comforting ourselves, or protecting ourselves, or of being a Bigger (and therefore safer) Presence in the world or - God forbid, maybe we just enjoy food - which is after all an important part of life. Sometimes we eat to stuff a Food lid on uncomfortable feelings, or because the act of eating was our only pleasant part of childhood (everyone was too busy to argue) so we recreate our own little emotional food-cocoon. There are as many reasons for overeating as there are overeaters - and it's good to gain control, I'm not saying just go ahead and be obese, but...
It is an insult to the raped, abused, murdered, pillaged, slaughtered, bereaved, disenfranchised, disinherited, deceived and despairing throughout history to allow people who get fat on the misery of the overweight to call their appetite 'SIN'.
It makes me sick to think that as well as already low self esteem, people are persuaded that they are overweight (if indeed they really are) because they need to stop sinning. Because everyone knows, deep down, that sin is serious stuff.
Hitler ordered the murder over 6,000,000 people. THAT was sin.
And yes, small things too, like allowing ourselves to habitually lie, steal, cheat... they too are sins because they don't add to the overall well-being of humankind.
So if someone eats a bit too much and lets that be associated in their mind with Hitler at some level, what is that going to do to them?
Probably make them feel so bad that they reach for another biscuit...
I feel really, REALLY strongly about this, because I see so many lovely people who are convinced they would be fine a little lighter, then perhaps a little more, then maybe skeletal... and paying good money to organisations who basically exist to make them feel bad about themselves so they can rake in the money.
FOR GOD'S SAKE! (Literally)
It is not a sin to overeat. It's not a good choice - it doesn't help you to be healthy - but it is NOT a SIN! We sin in many ways at many times, I'm sure - but eating a bar of chocolate does NOT put you in a bracket with Adolph Hitler!
Get a sense of perspective, and stop paying other people to make you feel bad about yourself!
Thanks. That's better! :)
Anyway - last night I had a random thought which felt blogworthy - so here it is.
I was talking to my daughters and said, "The Church should be thoroughly ashamed of itself for letting the Diet Industry steal the concept of Sin."
By which I mean this: Sin is about selfishness, hatred and destruction. It is NOT about one extra sandwich, or a Snickers bar, or wanting a hot chocolate. The greed which leads us to overeat is NOT a sin. It is a misreading of our needs, a means of comforting ourselves, or protecting ourselves, or of being a Bigger (and therefore safer) Presence in the world or - God forbid, maybe we just enjoy food - which is after all an important part of life. Sometimes we eat to stuff a Food lid on uncomfortable feelings, or because the act of eating was our only pleasant part of childhood (everyone was too busy to argue) so we recreate our own little emotional food-cocoon. There are as many reasons for overeating as there are overeaters - and it's good to gain control, I'm not saying just go ahead and be obese, but...
It is an insult to the raped, abused, murdered, pillaged, slaughtered, bereaved, disenfranchised, disinherited, deceived and despairing throughout history to allow people who get fat on the misery of the overweight to call their appetite 'SIN'.
It makes me sick to think that as well as already low self esteem, people are persuaded that they are overweight (if indeed they really are) because they need to stop sinning. Because everyone knows, deep down, that sin is serious stuff.
Hitler ordered the murder over 6,000,000 people. THAT was sin.
And yes, small things too, like allowing ourselves to habitually lie, steal, cheat... they too are sins because they don't add to the overall well-being of humankind.
So if someone eats a bit too much and lets that be associated in their mind with Hitler at some level, what is that going to do to them?
Probably make them feel so bad that they reach for another biscuit...
I feel really, REALLY strongly about this, because I see so many lovely people who are convinced they would be fine a little lighter, then perhaps a little more, then maybe skeletal... and paying good money to organisations who basically exist to make them feel bad about themselves so they can rake in the money.
FOR GOD'S SAKE! (Literally)
It is not a sin to overeat. It's not a good choice - it doesn't help you to be healthy - but it is NOT a SIN! We sin in many ways at many times, I'm sure - but eating a bar of chocolate does NOT put you in a bracket with Adolph Hitler!
Get a sense of perspective, and stop paying other people to make you feel bad about yourself!
Thanks. That's better! :)
Sunday, 20 December 2009
Just a quick update - I went to the physiotherapist on Thursday, and was given crutches. They're helpful for walking, but they do make me feel pretty disabled in all other ways - I can't carry things or even get in and out of a car without a great fuss! Still, it never harms to gain an understanding of other people, and I feel very lucky that (as far as I know) this is only a temporary blip in my life.
However, there was a surprise for me - the physio found the results of my scan. And although I had 'a classic meniscal tear', in fact there wasn't one in evidence. What they think they've found is a broken bone in my knee! This would explain why it 'feels like a broken leg' as I remarked to the doctor through gritted teeth and sobs a few weeks ago. To be fair to him, nothing in my history would have made him suspect that I really had broken it. It's a but of a mystery, but one that hopefully the orthopaedic specialist will solve in the New Year.
The effect on me has been to make me feel quite brave! Although rationally I know that a lot of injuries are just as, if not MORE, painful than a broken bone, I feel Brave. I was worrying that I was being a bit of a wimp instead of just getting on with it... but now I knwo I've been in legitimate pain, it somehow feels better!
I did ask if I'd done any damage by walking on it and he said no (good to keep the joint moving) BUT the crutches are to help take weight off the leg - so a bit of a mixed message there... anyway I should know more quite soon. The pain is bearable at the moment. And it may well be a matter of just waiting for it to heal anyway, so I can do that right now!
What an interesting year it's turning out to be! I don't think I could have foreseen this...
I hope all your plans for Christmas are going well , and that the snow isn't disrupting any travel plans. We have hardly had any snow, despite being in the North(ish). For once, I don't mind - crutches don't come with snowchains!
However, there was a surprise for me - the physio found the results of my scan. And although I had 'a classic meniscal tear', in fact there wasn't one in evidence. What they think they've found is a broken bone in my knee! This would explain why it 'feels like a broken leg' as I remarked to the doctor through gritted teeth and sobs a few weeks ago. To be fair to him, nothing in my history would have made him suspect that I really had broken it. It's a but of a mystery, but one that hopefully the orthopaedic specialist will solve in the New Year.
The effect on me has been to make me feel quite brave! Although rationally I know that a lot of injuries are just as, if not MORE, painful than a broken bone, I feel Brave. I was worrying that I was being a bit of a wimp instead of just getting on with it... but now I knwo I've been in legitimate pain, it somehow feels better!
I did ask if I'd done any damage by walking on it and he said no (good to keep the joint moving) BUT the crutches are to help take weight off the leg - so a bit of a mixed message there... anyway I should know more quite soon. The pain is bearable at the moment. And it may well be a matter of just waiting for it to heal anyway, so I can do that right now!
What an interesting year it's turning out to be! I don't think I could have foreseen this...
I hope all your plans for Christmas are going well , and that the snow isn't disrupting any travel plans. We have hardly had any snow, despite being in the North(ish). For once, I don't mind - crutches don't come with snowchains!
Wednesday, 16 December 2009
Decluttering - things and people?
I was driving along today thinking, "I must update my blog!" and got home to an email from my elder daughter saying the same thing - so here I am.
The knee is still sore; I'm still off work. I was due to have 'Emergency Physio' last week but the physiotherapist had [?Swine?] flu, so that's been put back till tomorrow. Last week my knee gave an almighty CRACK! like a tree falling, and I had a few days almost free from pain. The specialist thinks I have a torn meniscus, which would be consistent with things moving around in there... anyway yesterday I had a smaller series of snaps and cracks, and today it's hurting again - although nothing like it was (I was crying with pain at every step for a few weeks). I had a scan last week and see the specialist in January, no private healthcare for me! It's bearable and has meant instead of stopping to smell the roses, as I usually do, I have had time to watch them growing as I hobble along.
It's been very interesting in terms of my avowed intent to enjoy this year - I HAVE enjoyed it so far. Not the pain, of course, but the sense of my identity not depending on being in work. I have enjoyed (possibly too much!) having the time to sit in cafes, talk to random strangers, and write notes and poetry. I have always been certain that retirement would hold no terror for me. I have a very active inner life; I'm a good friend of mine and relish my own company, as well as having the time to interact with other people.
Which is just as well, because there has been Momentous and Wonderful News this last month! My younger daughter is leaving home to work in France as an Au Pair. She goes in January. It is so exciting - for many years her health wouldn't allow her to do anything, not even paid work. Then she gradually worked her way into a 40-hour week in a shop, has just got an NVQ2 in Retail, and has a great track-record with a well-known company.
However, she has always been aware of having missed out on some of life's adventures due to her health. She had major surgery in January which has dealt with almost all the problems she had been having, and it suddenly dawned on her that now she is free to go and live life a little. She and her sister went to French school when we lived on the Cote d'Azur, and she has decided to spend some time brushing up her French. Her love of children (she's going to a family with three) made au pairing the natural option. She may well end up, as her sister did, leaving the au pairing but staying in the country - only time will tell.
As for me - well, I have never lived alone and so this is exciting for me too! I think it's high time. It's a wonderful feeling when you successfully launch the chicks from the nest. I shall miss her like crazy but I shall be in close touch via Facebook, emails etc and it's not all that far away (the family have invited me to visit, and I intend to as soon as my leg is fixed).
I regard this as another positive about this year - time to be alone with myself and meditate, pray and write. It feels good... and who knows what will happen once she's gone? I can't see the story ending with exciting adventures for my daughters, and none for me! I have been a little concerned by a few people I know saying things like, "Oooh this will be so hard for you! Will you cope alone?" I know they mean to be supportive but it has really led me to question how I come across. Do I seem that helpless? Or are they projecting? Either way, I need to think about it. Even loving friends can be toxic unintentionally. I need to decide whether to call them on it or simply let them go quietly. I don't want or need negative people around me - years ago I would have dismissed that as really harsh, but the great thing about '50' looming is that it really does make me think about the patterns I'm setting for the NEXT fifty years. I appreciate their concern but I don't appreciate them assuming I can't cope alone.
Recently I felt the urge to begin to clear out some of the larger clutter in my home. I had a disgusting old three-piece suite which was far too big for the room. That's gone, and has been replaced by something more modest. My piano had been sitting unused for a long time. I used to be a keen pianist - in fact I counted the piano as my best friend when I was a teenager(!) - but in recent years I haven't really played at all. It struck me that the piano was a reminder of the past and in some ways a symbol of my failure to keep it up. It suddenly felt like the right time to let go of it, and interestingly, I've given it to someone for whom the piano is also a symbol of her past, but in her case, a past she wants to revisit.
This is the point, for me - I'm never going to be the finished product. I'm always going to be a work in progress - and unless I let go of some things, others can't take their place. It was strange how as soon as I got rid of the piano, my daughter seemed to get some internal 'go ahead' to quit her job and go to France. I've always felt I should hold things lightly - giving the piano away was hugely symbolic for me.
So - aching leg apart - I am STILL excited about this year. It's been very different from what I was expecting, but I know in my bones that it's going to end on a really positive note.
The knee is still sore; I'm still off work. I was due to have 'Emergency Physio' last week but the physiotherapist had [?Swine?] flu, so that's been put back till tomorrow. Last week my knee gave an almighty CRACK! like a tree falling, and I had a few days almost free from pain. The specialist thinks I have a torn meniscus, which would be consistent with things moving around in there... anyway yesterday I had a smaller series of snaps and cracks, and today it's hurting again - although nothing like it was (I was crying with pain at every step for a few weeks). I had a scan last week and see the specialist in January, no private healthcare for me! It's bearable and has meant instead of stopping to smell the roses, as I usually do, I have had time to watch them growing as I hobble along.
It's been very interesting in terms of my avowed intent to enjoy this year - I HAVE enjoyed it so far. Not the pain, of course, but the sense of my identity not depending on being in work. I have enjoyed (possibly too much!) having the time to sit in cafes, talk to random strangers, and write notes and poetry. I have always been certain that retirement would hold no terror for me. I have a very active inner life; I'm a good friend of mine and relish my own company, as well as having the time to interact with other people.
Which is just as well, because there has been Momentous and Wonderful News this last month! My younger daughter is leaving home to work in France as an Au Pair. She goes in January. It is so exciting - for many years her health wouldn't allow her to do anything, not even paid work. Then she gradually worked her way into a 40-hour week in a shop, has just got an NVQ2 in Retail, and has a great track-record with a well-known company.
However, she has always been aware of having missed out on some of life's adventures due to her health. She had major surgery in January which has dealt with almost all the problems she had been having, and it suddenly dawned on her that now she is free to go and live life a little. She and her sister went to French school when we lived on the Cote d'Azur, and she has decided to spend some time brushing up her French. Her love of children (she's going to a family with three) made au pairing the natural option. She may well end up, as her sister did, leaving the au pairing but staying in the country - only time will tell.
As for me - well, I have never lived alone and so this is exciting for me too! I think it's high time. It's a wonderful feeling when you successfully launch the chicks from the nest. I shall miss her like crazy but I shall be in close touch via Facebook, emails etc and it's not all that far away (the family have invited me to visit, and I intend to as soon as my leg is fixed).
I regard this as another positive about this year - time to be alone with myself and meditate, pray and write. It feels good... and who knows what will happen once she's gone? I can't see the story ending with exciting adventures for my daughters, and none for me! I have been a little concerned by a few people I know saying things like, "Oooh this will be so hard for you! Will you cope alone?" I know they mean to be supportive but it has really led me to question how I come across. Do I seem that helpless? Or are they projecting? Either way, I need to think about it. Even loving friends can be toxic unintentionally. I need to decide whether to call them on it or simply let them go quietly. I don't want or need negative people around me - years ago I would have dismissed that as really harsh, but the great thing about '50' looming is that it really does make me think about the patterns I'm setting for the NEXT fifty years. I appreciate their concern but I don't appreciate them assuming I can't cope alone.
Recently I felt the urge to begin to clear out some of the larger clutter in my home. I had a disgusting old three-piece suite which was far too big for the room. That's gone, and has been replaced by something more modest. My piano had been sitting unused for a long time. I used to be a keen pianist - in fact I counted the piano as my best friend when I was a teenager(!) - but in recent years I haven't really played at all. It struck me that the piano was a reminder of the past and in some ways a symbol of my failure to keep it up. It suddenly felt like the right time to let go of it, and interestingly, I've given it to someone for whom the piano is also a symbol of her past, but in her case, a past she wants to revisit.
This is the point, for me - I'm never going to be the finished product. I'm always going to be a work in progress - and unless I let go of some things, others can't take their place. It was strange how as soon as I got rid of the piano, my daughter seemed to get some internal 'go ahead' to quit her job and go to France. I've always felt I should hold things lightly - giving the piano away was hugely symbolic for me.
So - aching leg apart - I am STILL excited about this year. It's been very different from what I was expecting, but I know in my bones that it's going to end on a really positive note.
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