Just a quick update - I went to the physiotherapist on Thursday, and was given crutches. They're helpful for walking, but they do make me feel pretty disabled in all other ways - I can't carry things or even get in and out of a car without a great fuss! Still, it never harms to gain an understanding of other people, and I feel very lucky that (as far as I know) this is only a temporary blip in my life.
However, there was a surprise for me - the physio found the results of my scan. And although I had 'a classic meniscal tear', in fact there wasn't one in evidence. What they think they've found is a broken bone in my knee! This would explain why it 'feels like a broken leg' as I remarked to the doctor through gritted teeth and sobs a few weeks ago. To be fair to him, nothing in my history would have made him suspect that I really had broken it. It's a but of a mystery, but one that hopefully the orthopaedic specialist will solve in the New Year.
The effect on me has been to make me feel quite brave! Although rationally I know that a lot of injuries are just as, if not MORE, painful than a broken bone, I feel Brave. I was worrying that I was being a bit of a wimp instead of just getting on with it... but now I knwo I've been in legitimate pain, it somehow feels better!
I did ask if I'd done any damage by walking on it and he said no (good to keep the joint moving) BUT the crutches are to help take weight off the leg - so a bit of a mixed message there... anyway I should know more quite soon. The pain is bearable at the moment. And it may well be a matter of just waiting for it to heal anyway, so I can do that right now!
What an interesting year it's turning out to be! I don't think I could have foreseen this...
I hope all your plans for Christmas are going well , and that the snow isn't disrupting any travel plans. We have hardly had any snow, despite being in the North(ish). For once, I don't mind - crutches don't come with snowchains!
Sunday 20 December 2009
Wednesday 16 December 2009
Decluttering - things and people?
I was driving along today thinking, "I must update my blog!" and got home to an email from my elder daughter saying the same thing - so here I am.
The knee is still sore; I'm still off work. I was due to have 'Emergency Physio' last week but the physiotherapist had [?Swine?] flu, so that's been put back till tomorrow. Last week my knee gave an almighty CRACK! like a tree falling, and I had a few days almost free from pain. The specialist thinks I have a torn meniscus, which would be consistent with things moving around in there... anyway yesterday I had a smaller series of snaps and cracks, and today it's hurting again - although nothing like it was (I was crying with pain at every step for a few weeks). I had a scan last week and see the specialist in January, no private healthcare for me! It's bearable and has meant instead of stopping to smell the roses, as I usually do, I have had time to watch them growing as I hobble along.
It's been very interesting in terms of my avowed intent to enjoy this year - I HAVE enjoyed it so far. Not the pain, of course, but the sense of my identity not depending on being in work. I have enjoyed (possibly too much!) having the time to sit in cafes, talk to random strangers, and write notes and poetry. I have always been certain that retirement would hold no terror for me. I have a very active inner life; I'm a good friend of mine and relish my own company, as well as having the time to interact with other people.
Which is just as well, because there has been Momentous and Wonderful News this last month! My younger daughter is leaving home to work in France as an Au Pair. She goes in January. It is so exciting - for many years her health wouldn't allow her to do anything, not even paid work. Then she gradually worked her way into a 40-hour week in a shop, has just got an NVQ2 in Retail, and has a great track-record with a well-known company.
However, she has always been aware of having missed out on some of life's adventures due to her health. She had major surgery in January which has dealt with almost all the problems she had been having, and it suddenly dawned on her that now she is free to go and live life a little. She and her sister went to French school when we lived on the Cote d'Azur, and she has decided to spend some time brushing up her French. Her love of children (she's going to a family with three) made au pairing the natural option. She may well end up, as her sister did, leaving the au pairing but staying in the country - only time will tell.
As for me - well, I have never lived alone and so this is exciting for me too! I think it's high time. It's a wonderful feeling when you successfully launch the chicks from the nest. I shall miss her like crazy but I shall be in close touch via Facebook, emails etc and it's not all that far away (the family have invited me to visit, and I intend to as soon as my leg is fixed).
I regard this as another positive about this year - time to be alone with myself and meditate, pray and write. It feels good... and who knows what will happen once she's gone? I can't see the story ending with exciting adventures for my daughters, and none for me! I have been a little concerned by a few people I know saying things like, "Oooh this will be so hard for you! Will you cope alone?" I know they mean to be supportive but it has really led me to question how I come across. Do I seem that helpless? Or are they projecting? Either way, I need to think about it. Even loving friends can be toxic unintentionally. I need to decide whether to call them on it or simply let them go quietly. I don't want or need negative people around me - years ago I would have dismissed that as really harsh, but the great thing about '50' looming is that it really does make me think about the patterns I'm setting for the NEXT fifty years. I appreciate their concern but I don't appreciate them assuming I can't cope alone.
Recently I felt the urge to begin to clear out some of the larger clutter in my home. I had a disgusting old three-piece suite which was far too big for the room. That's gone, and has been replaced by something more modest. My piano had been sitting unused for a long time. I used to be a keen pianist - in fact I counted the piano as my best friend when I was a teenager(!) - but in recent years I haven't really played at all. It struck me that the piano was a reminder of the past and in some ways a symbol of my failure to keep it up. It suddenly felt like the right time to let go of it, and interestingly, I've given it to someone for whom the piano is also a symbol of her past, but in her case, a past she wants to revisit.
This is the point, for me - I'm never going to be the finished product. I'm always going to be a work in progress - and unless I let go of some things, others can't take their place. It was strange how as soon as I got rid of the piano, my daughter seemed to get some internal 'go ahead' to quit her job and go to France. I've always felt I should hold things lightly - giving the piano away was hugely symbolic for me.
So - aching leg apart - I am STILL excited about this year. It's been very different from what I was expecting, but I know in my bones that it's going to end on a really positive note.
The knee is still sore; I'm still off work. I was due to have 'Emergency Physio' last week but the physiotherapist had [?Swine?] flu, so that's been put back till tomorrow. Last week my knee gave an almighty CRACK! like a tree falling, and I had a few days almost free from pain. The specialist thinks I have a torn meniscus, which would be consistent with things moving around in there... anyway yesterday I had a smaller series of snaps and cracks, and today it's hurting again - although nothing like it was (I was crying with pain at every step for a few weeks). I had a scan last week and see the specialist in January, no private healthcare for me! It's bearable and has meant instead of stopping to smell the roses, as I usually do, I have had time to watch them growing as I hobble along.
It's been very interesting in terms of my avowed intent to enjoy this year - I HAVE enjoyed it so far. Not the pain, of course, but the sense of my identity not depending on being in work. I have enjoyed (possibly too much!) having the time to sit in cafes, talk to random strangers, and write notes and poetry. I have always been certain that retirement would hold no terror for me. I have a very active inner life; I'm a good friend of mine and relish my own company, as well as having the time to interact with other people.
Which is just as well, because there has been Momentous and Wonderful News this last month! My younger daughter is leaving home to work in France as an Au Pair. She goes in January. It is so exciting - for many years her health wouldn't allow her to do anything, not even paid work. Then she gradually worked her way into a 40-hour week in a shop, has just got an NVQ2 in Retail, and has a great track-record with a well-known company.
However, she has always been aware of having missed out on some of life's adventures due to her health. She had major surgery in January which has dealt with almost all the problems she had been having, and it suddenly dawned on her that now she is free to go and live life a little. She and her sister went to French school when we lived on the Cote d'Azur, and she has decided to spend some time brushing up her French. Her love of children (she's going to a family with three) made au pairing the natural option. She may well end up, as her sister did, leaving the au pairing but staying in the country - only time will tell.
As for me - well, I have never lived alone and so this is exciting for me too! I think it's high time. It's a wonderful feeling when you successfully launch the chicks from the nest. I shall miss her like crazy but I shall be in close touch via Facebook, emails etc and it's not all that far away (the family have invited me to visit, and I intend to as soon as my leg is fixed).
I regard this as another positive about this year - time to be alone with myself and meditate, pray and write. It feels good... and who knows what will happen once she's gone? I can't see the story ending with exciting adventures for my daughters, and none for me! I have been a little concerned by a few people I know saying things like, "Oooh this will be so hard for you! Will you cope alone?" I know they mean to be supportive but it has really led me to question how I come across. Do I seem that helpless? Or are they projecting? Either way, I need to think about it. Even loving friends can be toxic unintentionally. I need to decide whether to call them on it or simply let them go quietly. I don't want or need negative people around me - years ago I would have dismissed that as really harsh, but the great thing about '50' looming is that it really does make me think about the patterns I'm setting for the NEXT fifty years. I appreciate their concern but I don't appreciate them assuming I can't cope alone.
Recently I felt the urge to begin to clear out some of the larger clutter in my home. I had a disgusting old three-piece suite which was far too big for the room. That's gone, and has been replaced by something more modest. My piano had been sitting unused for a long time. I used to be a keen pianist - in fact I counted the piano as my best friend when I was a teenager(!) - but in recent years I haven't really played at all. It struck me that the piano was a reminder of the past and in some ways a symbol of my failure to keep it up. It suddenly felt like the right time to let go of it, and interestingly, I've given it to someone for whom the piano is also a symbol of her past, but in her case, a past she wants to revisit.
This is the point, for me - I'm never going to be the finished product. I'm always going to be a work in progress - and unless I let go of some things, others can't take their place. It was strange how as soon as I got rid of the piano, my daughter seemed to get some internal 'go ahead' to quit her job and go to France. I've always felt I should hold things lightly - giving the piano away was hugely symbolic for me.
So - aching leg apart - I am STILL excited about this year. It's been very different from what I was expecting, but I know in my bones that it's going to end on a really positive note.
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